When I needed it most, I didn’t find many backwards stories such as my own; where a mother works tirelessly to succeed, while sending her children to daycare, to later quit her career to stay home and homeschool her children. I did, however, find lots of stories of women empowering other women to build a career they love while also raising their children – or the opposite, women who did not return to their career after they had children. Both are wonderful stories but I couldn’t see myself in them. Because my story is neither, yet it is both.
This is where it began…
I was 24 years old with an almost 2-year-old and a newborn. Maternity leave felt like bliss, yet it was also terrifying. Not even days after being home with our new baby, and I was already afraid of returning back to work. I was determined to do anything I could to stay home.
This dream of staying home with both of my children came the day I held my first baby, Liam, in my arms. I knew the moment I saw his face that I never wanted to be away from him. Yet, we had a life that depended on two incomes, and all my efforts to work from home were to no avail.
Finally, the time came. I had extended my maternity leave to 12 weeks before my office called saying I had to come back. I can’t tell you how much I cried that day dropping Lucas and Liam off at daycare.
I returned to my office to find that not much had changed there, but everything had changed within me. While I enjoyed my sales career before having children, I now found myself daydreaming about my sweet babies, wondering if they were happy or if they were thinking about me too.
Most of my days were spent like this; rarely present when I was at work, and always thinking of my children. By the time I picked them up, however, I was so exhausted from my job that it was difficult to enjoy my time with them. The after-work rush of dinner, cleaning, bath time, and bedtime felt overwhelming. My patience was thin, my exhaustion at an all time high, and my depression was full throttle.
I wondered, “Will I ever enjoy their childhood?”
As the days passed, my desire to stay home grew louder. I spent every waking minute researching how I could stay home with my children. I began blogging, social media marketing, selling things online, writing, and anything else you can think of. Though my effort was there, the payoff wasn’t.
Finally, the time came.
The pain of dropping them off at daycare became too much. One day, I dropped them off and had a full-blown panic attack after I left. It was so intense that I had to pull off the road to breathe. After confirming I was not, in fact, having a heart attack, I bypassed my office and drove home. I laid in my bed and watched the fan spin. My office called a dozen times, wondering where I was. I requested sick leave, vacation leave, any leave I had. Then, when I ran out of paid-time-off, I asked for more FMLA leave.
When all of my leave ran out, I was told I was expected to be at the office at 8 a.m. the following Monday morning. I remember that Monday morning well. I woke up and made myself coffee. Then, I slowly got myself dressed, heart pounding the entire time. Once I was finished, I walked into my babies’ rooms.
They slept peacefully and looked like pure angels. Liam was 3 and Lucas was 2. I watched them, thinking of how fast time was passing. I thought about when they would wake up, how they would giggle and laugh. I thought of the sound of their feet pattering as they walked down the hallway.
That was the moment I decided.
Watching them rest so peacefully and knowing that I was not going to abruptly wake them up to get dressed brought on a deep sense of joy that I had not felt in a long time. I knew this was the end of my career. The realization that I would never go back to that office again was exhilarating. Heart still pounding, I put my phone in my room and waited on the couch for my boys to awake. They came and snuggled with me, we watched some TV and I made breakfast. I had no idea what I was doing or what was about to happen, but it was happening.
I looked at my phone at noon to find that I was terminated and needed to return my laptop. I was terrified and electrified at the same time.
I had no idea how I was going to make this work, but I knew that it had to.
I tried to enter into my new stay-at-home-mom life with ease and grace, but it was the complete opposite. My anxiety and fears did not magically dissipate as one may have hoped – in fact, they were at an all-time high. The only thing different was not being separated from my children 10 hours a day and I was broke.
After some time, I found my rhythm as a stay-at-home-mom. I enjoyed it so much. We would play, I’d cook healthy meals, we had lots of park trips and would visit family. I eventually got a part-time job at a local chiropractors office where the boys returned to daycare for 3 days a week. It felt different this time, though. I knew it was a temporary step in a long-term plan. After a little while, I finally branched out and began to make money from my own business. Those late nights and nap-time work hours finally paid off. I was home with my babies again. For good.
I blinked and Liam was ready for Pre-K.
After much research and contemplation, Liam began attending a Montessori school for Pre-K, while Lucas attended a 3-day-a-week, half-day preschool at a local church.
During this time, I worked on my business. But I began to feel a familiar sting.
Almost daily, I picked Liam up from school with a negative report. He wasn’t doing a Montessori “work” that he was supposed to, or was “too energetic” that day. I dreaded pick-up time. My smiling, giggly boy seemed to be unaware of the poor reports and that was okay with me.
Dropping him off was also a sad time. I would encourage him to go play, but he was nervous. Every day he would walk out there to “play” but his desire to play with friends wasn’t reciprocated. I began to feel frustrated with myself as a mother for not doing something “right” that may have caused this to happen. I was frustrated with the kids at school for not being nice. And was frustrated with him for the daily behavior reports. It was exhausting.
After receiving daily negative reports for weeks straight, I finally asked his teacher, “Did anything good happen today?” She seemed at a loss for words. She stuttered to say, “Not really.” To which I replied, “I don’t believe that Liam didn’t do anything well today. If you can’t think of a single good thing that happened, why would he even try? He already knows that you’re not going to say anything nice about him!”
One week later, I withdrew him.
We toured two local private schools, but they weren’t a good fit. At the first school I noticed that there was not a single child with a smile on their face, and the next school opted for indoor recess over outdoor so that the children didn’t lose their tidy appearance.
We enrolled him at the last option; our local public school. While we were there registering, a code came across the intercom. We had to go into the closet due to an “active shooter in the area”. I was terrified, confused and wondering if this is just a new normal. I felt helpless as his mother, knowing there were no other options for school – or so I thought.
Kindergarten
I would eat lunch with Liam every week during Kindergarten. The stories some of the children shared at the lunch table were enough for me to need a visit with my therapist after. Stories of abuse, family problems, financial issues, and worse. One child even told me her dad just died because he was stabbed. Those 20-minute lunch periods were over stimulating and short
I’d walk Liam back to his class, where he’d beg me not to leave. I would watch him walk sadly to his desk, which was right beside the teacher’s desk, and I would wonder again, “Is this really what this is supposed to be like?”
You know that feeling you get when you’re in a situation that doesn’t feel right, but you’re kind of stuck there? When you’re doing something that makes you feel uneasy, yet you don’t know of an alternative? That’s how I felt everyday when he went to school.
Halfway into his Kindergarten year, the world shut down and a new path emerged.
We began homeschooling.
I did not feel more equipped than their teachers to teach my child, by any means. But I did feel more equipped to provide a healthier, more nourishing learning environment for my children as opposed to virtual learning. An educational experience that didn’t require an iPad, a chaotic log-in schedule, or virtual PE.
I read The Call of the Wild and Free by Ainsley Arment, which introduced me to Charlotte Mason and her ideas. I related to wanting my children to be outdoors, and to learn beautiful things. Nature study seemed exciting, and I immediately began setting up a “nature table”. Then, I learned of a thing called “morning time” and knew I wanted to do that, too. I had so many ideas.
Before I knew it, we had an entire homeschool room full of books, beeswax candles, wooden toys and art supplies.
A beautiful, new way of life emerged. A life more magical than I could have ever imagined.
We traded our morning fiasco for slow, simple mornings at the kitchen table, reading good books, copying poetry in our Morning Menus and eating muffins. Our days begin with listening to our term’s composer, studying art from Monet, and imagining life in 1866 as we read Farmer Boy. Then, we head outside to observe clovers and paint them in our nature journals. Even subjects like grammar, math, writing, history and science feel more fun.
While we do enjoy learning at home, many days we aren’t home at all. We listen to an audiobook while on the way to our weekly nature group, where we will spend the day hiking and playing in the forest with our friends. We visit local museums, science centers and state parks with our friends. Other days we are going to our homeschool co-op, visiting the library and touring our own city.
Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you away from your biggest dream.
Homeschooling was the last thing on my radar, but it’s been the best decision we’ve ever made for our family. When I look back, I can see when this desire was placed in my heart and how my path would always end up here. But at the time, it felt daunting and scary.
I’ve come to realize that no matter which educational path you choose, there will be ups and downs. Regardless if you homeschool, or send your kids to public school, you’re going to wonder if you’re making the best decision and what their future may hold. I want to encourage you to pursue the path that will best support your child, your family’s values and the life you want to provide your family.
Leave a Reply