When I needed it most, I didn’t find many backwards stories such as my own; where a mother works tirelessly to succeed, while sending her children to daycare, to later quit her career to stay home and homeschool her children. I did, however, find lots of stories of women empowering other women to build a career they love while also raising their children – or the opposite, women who did not enter into a career field after they had children, because they wanted to stay home with them. Both are wonderful stories but I couldn’t see myself in them. Because my story is neither, yet it is both.
Today, I’m sharing a bit of my journey. Sink into your chair, grab some tea and settle in. It’s not a quick story, but is full of depth, vulnerability, heartache and revival. My hope is that one person will read this and feel inspired, validated or encouraged in some sort of way to pursue their dream; whatever that may be.
This is where it began…
I slammed my laptop closed, rushed out the door and hopped in my car. There were still 2 more client proposals to finish, a boss that wanted an update on my sales pipeline and an office phone ringing. But daycare would close soon – so I had to be on my way. I rushed through the doors to pick up my playful, smiling toddler. He was excited to show me the trucks he was playing with. I smiled, wearily. I was happy to see him too. But I knew that as soon as we exited through those doors, the second burst of work would begin.
The drive home consisted of smiles, talking and a little music. But I wasn’t really there. In my mind, I was elsewhere. I was thinking of the work I hadn’t completed, wondering when I would have the opportunity to finish it. I was pondering what we’d eat for dinner. Did I take any meat out of the freezer? Had I bought that broccoli last week? I thought about bath time, bedtime, and whether or not I would make it through all of the above without a panic attack.
After the 2 hour rush of dinner, bath and bedtime, I found myself standing in the living room peering at the mess that was left for me to clean. My sweet husband has always been an amazing partner. While he worked long hours, he still managed to share all housekeeping and child rearing duties. Yet, I still found myself overwhelmed by my life, my surroundings and mostly by the loud inner voice that kept chanting, “This is too much.”
Finally, when my head hit the pillow, the loudest voices of all slipped their way into my mind.
I reviewed my day, along with every single parenting mistake I had made. I thought of my sweet boy that laid in the other room, wondering how he would remember his toddlerhood. I thought of how I could make money to replace my income, because the thought of going to my office another day made my soul cringe. I remembered the colleague that said, “They need to be in daycare to socialize, and you need to be at work for your sanity. Trust me.” I desperately tried to believe this advice, but it was hard. I thought about how frustrated I was when my little one poured water all over the floor from the bathtub, and how I needed to renovate that bathroom.
Once my brain finally shut off, I was awaken by a crying little boy with a bad dream. A loud sigh and heavy foot steps later, I was rocking him in his room. He cried, I cried, and then we finally both fell asleep together in the rocking chair. I knew the morning would come quickly. Boy, did it. After I placed him back in his bed, I slipped back into mine, hoping to truly rest. It seemed like mere minutes passed before my alarm was screaming. It was time to do it all again.
While this is far from the day-to-day life that I have now, it was very much my daily reality for many years. It took all of the energy I could conjure up to make it from our morning frenzy to the bedtime rush.
Life went by so quickly, then.
Enough became enough, however. I was tired of moving through the notions, but without real knowledge of how to escape the rat race that was in my mind. The idea that I didn’t have to live in a chronic state of overwhelm felt laughable. But alas, my mental health reached an all-time low and I found myself in a new predicament. I was pregnant again.
This newfound joy presented me with as much fear and worry as it did happiness. I dragged myself back onto my therapists couch, and dumped my sorrows out. This bundle of joy in my belly reminded me that I would keep continuing this same, dreaded lifestyle if something didn’t change.
I questioned if I needed a new career, but the office hours, flexibility and pay from my current one made it impossible to work elsewhere. I questioned if I could stay at home, but my car payment, credit card payments, home renovations, food budget and lifestyle begged to differ. I questioned myself and if I wasn’t mentally strong enough to withstand what millions of mothers across the globe do daily.
Having a career and babies is a societal norm, and my inability to balance the two made me feel defeated.
Therapy session after therapy session left me feeling more and more empowered. I soon discovered that my desire to stay home with my children is not uncommon, yet it’s also not a shared dream by every mother. I learned that it’s okay to be a powerhouse woman with a successful career, while raising young children. I also learned that it’s also okay to not want those things, and to desire to stay home with your babies instead of climbing the success ladder.
I had a deep yearning to leave my career behind and to stay home and focus on raising my babies. I just wasn’t sure of how to make that happen.
Simultaneously, I was working on improving my overall mental and physical health. I began eating more nutrient dense foods to fuel my pregnant body, I taught myself how to meditate, and started to listen to uplifting YouTube videos every morning on the way to work. I was putting into action all of the things I was learning, and committed to doing whatever it took to improve my life. I was deeply committed to staying home with my babies, but also worried how that would work as a depressed, overwhelmed, anxious woman that could barely muster up cereal and granola bars as breakfast foods.
Nevertheless, I stayed focus on my dream. I began writing as a way to process what I was learning, which lead to the creation of a blog. I learned that you could make money blogging, and thought this may be my one-way-ticket out of the corporate life. I invested every extra dollar and minute into building a website, writing posts, building an email list and learning to market an online business.
Once Lucas was born, my heart bursted once again. I had two lovely baby boys to devote my time and attention to. It was wonderful. Yet, not even two weeks into cuddling with my precious newborn and recovering from my emergency c-section, I found myself in a panic. I knew this time was coming to an end all too soon. At my follow-up visit with my midwife, I cried every tear in my body. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to work. She wrote me out for a bit longer, as it was obvious I had more healing to do, and I clung onto knowing that I would have a couple of extra weeks. I used every bit of FMLA time I had left – the paid and unpaid portion.
During this time, I scoured the internet for ways to “make money on maternity leave”. Surely, if I earned enough income on maternity leave, I would be able to stay home indefinitely with my babies. But I was exhausted, mentally and physically, and these searches left me more and more defeated. Out of desperation, I began selling stuff on Poshmark, listing stuff on eBay, downloading courses on how to make money blogging, joined an MLM, sold gift baskets, and even thought about painting and reselling furniture. This wasn’t a new venture for me, either. I did every single one of these things (minus the blogging) while on maternity leave with Liam, my first baby. The same dream was there, but this time I felt more knowledgeable on how to achieve it.
Then, it was time to return.
I’m not sure what outcome I expected, but $200 later I didn’t feel like there was anyway to replace my $50k per year income. After my 12 weeks, I curled my hair, put on a black and white patterned blazer, black pencil skirt and teal ruffled top, and headed back to the office. I cried most of that day.
I began working again, but also began pouring my time into this “side adventure” of blogging. I devoured every personal development book, listened to a gazillion podcasts, started my morning with an inspirational YouTube video and took my daily anti-depressant to get me through. I purchased the most extravagant MacBook Pro that was available in 2015. I had many dreams in my pipeline, and needed the tools to help me get there.
When I wasn’t working with clients, I was working on my blog. It was not much, but it was mine. I wrote recipes, natural health remedies and non-toxic cleaning swaps. I wrote about parenting, and mean bosses, and what guilt felt like. I talked about self-help, and positive thinking and the tools that helped me get through my days. I had like two views (my husband and my mom), but I was okay with that. I was sure that if I stuck to it, it would pay off in some way.
Every single day I counted down the minutes until I could be reunited with my babies, and then repeated the process the next day.
This became my “normal” for two years. Still stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, but making a conscious effort to move forward. Still going to therapy for my parenting woes, while also going through a quarter-life crisis and questioning my entire life. It was a heck of a time.
Finally, the time came.
The pain of dropping them off at daycare became too much. One day, I dropped them off and had a full-blown panic attack after I left. It was so intense that I had to pull off the road to breathe. After confirming I was not, in fact, having a heart attack, I bypassed my office and drove home. I laid in my bed and watched the fan spin. My office called a dozen times, wondering where I was. I requested sick leave, vacation leave, any leave I had. Then, when I ran out of paid-time-off, I asked for more FMLA leave.
When all of my leave ran out, I was told I was expected to be at the office at 8 a.m. the following Monday morning. I remember that Monday morning well. I woke up and made myself coffee. Then, I slowly got myself dressed, heart pounding the entire time. Once I was finished, I walked into my babies’ rooms. They slept peacefully and looked like pure angels. Liam was 3 and Lucas was 2. I watched them, thinking of how fast time was passing. I thought about when they would wake up, how they would giggle and laugh. I thought of the sound of their feet pattering as they walked down the hallway.
Then, I decided. Watching them rest so peacefully and knowing that I was not going to abruptly wake them up to get dressed brought on a deep sense of joy that I had not felt in a long time. I knew this was the end of my career. I welcomed it gladly like the bright, morning sun welcomes the melodies of the chirping birds. Heart still pounding, I put my phone in my room and waited on the couch for my boys to awake. They came and snuggled with me, we watched some TV and I made breakfast. I had no idea what I was doing or what was about to happen, but it was happening.
I looked at my phone at noon to find that I was terminated and needed to return my laptop. I was terrified and electrified at the same time.
I had no idea how I was going to make this work, but I knew that it had to.
I tried to enter into stay-at-home-mom life with ease and grace, but it was the complete opposite. My anxiety and fears did not magically dissipate as one may have hoped – in fact, they were at an all-time high. The only thing different was me not being separated from my children 10 hours a day and having no income. The newfound time with my children was worth all of it, as imperfect as it was. I balanced my days by cooking more healthy meals, playing trucks on the floor and working from my MacBook during nap time. None of that computer work amounted to any income, but I was still dedicated to it for the long haul. I thought to myself that if I do all of the things that were taught online, I would eventually make money.
When the credit cards were maxed out and I couldn’t pay one credit card bill with another credit card, I became worried. My husband was already working overtime, and 6 to 7 days a week. He sacrificed greatly, and always did so with a smile. He supported me wanting to stay home, and me quitting my career. He reassured me constantly that we would be okay. He was right. We then realized that we had to do a thing called a “budget” and that alone was eye-opening. It appeared that my former career paid for extensive luncheons, TJ Maxx trips, Etsy purchases, a light bill, food, Starbucks, subscriptions to God-knows-what, weekend drinks at the bar and home decor. When we drastically altered our spending, our lifestyle and our budget, our lives improved and the debt stopped accumulating so quickly.
Then, an opportunity arose.
One day, I received a message from a local chiropractor that I used to “call on” in my former career. He asked if I was interested in a job – 3 days per week, with a 3 hour lunch break and free chiropractic care for my family. I would help patients with rehabilitation exercises, help with overall office work, and I would execute online marketing strategies. In other words, all of the blogging, email marketing and Facebook marketing information I had learned to help my new business, would finally get put to use. Not to mention, I would have three hours per day, three days per week, to work on my own business without feeling guilty for not spending quality time with my children. Daycare three times per week did not deem devastating when we needed the income.
This job quickly became my favorite job that I have had. I loved working with Dr. Jones and his wife Allison. I learned so much about health, wellness and life. They are amazing parents, and I would take every bit of knowledge they were willing to share about life and put it to use (some of it then, and some of it now). I had acquired tons of unhealthy habits at this point, that I was able to work through while working there. I was also able to see what methods worked and didn’t work for marketing. I networked with local offices, like I had in the past, and worked for very kind employees.
This was my last career, before branching out on my own in 2017. This was the place that helped me see the value in making healthy choices for my mind, body and spirit. These were the people that showed me what balancing a business and family should look like. I learned so much during my time there.
On my own, again. For good.
When I left there, I began staying home with my children full-time again. This time, however, I had more patience, less debt and my husband had a promotion. I worked tirelessly to be the best mother I could be while also managing my own mental health issues, healing trauma and eating healthy foods. I was making healthy choices during the week, and reverting to unhealthy coping mechanisms on the weekend. I worked for myself full-time, digital marketing for a local business and also coaching women online. I had wonderful clients, changed some lives, became infatuated with healing my own trauma, learned how to become a gentle parent to my toddlers, learned how to give myself more grace, hosted a successful Facebook group of women that also wanted to improve their lives and had copious amounts of therapy.
I made some money here and there, but my online business started resembling the corporate world. I was keeping up with all the current “online things”, was constantly glued me to my MacBook and found myself telling my children, “I’ll play with you in a little bit.” That “little bit” rarely came. The whole purpose of me being home was to be present with my children, but I had created the opposite of that. I fell out-of-love with working for myself, and in a last-ditch effort to make the time I had invested worth it, I began building online programs that would be self-ran, self-paced and would generate passive income.
School
Liam began attending a Montessori school for pre-K and Kindergarten, while Lucas was in a half-day preschool at local church. During this time, I worked around the home and on my business. But it wasn’t without it’s own anxieties.
Almost daily, I picked Liam up from school with a negative report. He wasn’t doing a Montessori “work” that he was supposed to, or was “too energetic” that day. I dreaded pick-up time. My smiling, giggly boy seemed to be unaware of the poor reports and that was okay with me.
Dropping him off was also a sad time. I would encourage him to go play, but he was nervous to. Every day he would walk out there to “play” but his desire to play with friends wasn’t reciprocated. I began to feel frustrated with myself as a mother for not doing something “right” that may have caused this to happen. I was frustrated with the kids at school for not being nice. And was frustrated with him for the daily behavior reports. It was exhausting.
When it was time for first grade, things only got worse. The reports became more negative and his spirit seemed to become more and more broken. Finally, I asked his teacher, “Did anything happen good today?” She seemed at a loss for words. She stuttered to say, “Not really.” To which I replied, “I don’t believe that Liam didn’t do anything well today. If you can’t think of a single good thing that happened, why would he even try? He already knows that you’re not going to say anything nice about him!”
One week later, I withdrew him. We toured two local private school, the first had children that lined up in the hallway, completely silent with not a single smile. It felt scary. It’s 10 a.m. Certainly a child may seem happy at this time of day. Then, the administrator informed me that they expect excellence – including sitting still, and properly. She said this as my wiggly 6-year-old fidgeted in his chair. The next school had “recess” in the gym. They said that they did not go outside regularly to keep children with a tidy appearance.
Finally, we arrived at public school. While we were there registering, a code came across the intercom. We had to go into the closet due to an “active shooter in the area”. I was terrified, confused and wondering if this is just a new normal. You’d think that would be enough to send him somewhere else – but there was no where. I certainly was not equipped to homeschool.
2020
I didn’t realize when Liam transitioned to public school from his Montessori school that he didn’t know his letter sounds. Thus, he went into a Kindergarten classroom, with the most patient and firm teacher, where he learned so much. Then, it was March 2020. The world stopped and we switched entirely to virtual learning.
I don’t need to explain in detail what happened during this time. You already know. But by April, I had a child with a broken spirit, that hated me and his list of vocabulary words. So, I sent an email to his teacher saying, “We are done for the year.”
When the following school year arrived, I was hesitant. Lucas was now in Kindergarten and Liam was in first grade. They would begin virtually, but the school assured the parents that it wouldn’t be long (that ended up being not true at all). Suddenly, I saw people on my social media timelines talking about homeschooling. I did not want to do this, but truly, there were no other options. Homeschooling never occurred to me, but now it seemed like the only option.
At the end of the first week of virtual learning, Liam was running away from his “virtual PE” class where the teacher yelled at them to pay attention, and Lucas hid the iPad under a pillow and played with Legos while his teacher read a book (with a delay from the connection). A week later, I was deep into homeschool research.
I was in the middle of creating an online program at the time. I had an entire team working together to create it. One afternoon, I sat beside Liam in my office as he had his Google call with his teacher. I watched him struggling to understand what his teacher was explaining, but doing his best. His face looked confused, his teacher sounded tired and I was too. While their call continued, I glanced at the whiteboard across the room covered with my online course details, sales funnels, email sequences and price points. It hit me all at once; What is the point? Why am I even doing this? I wanted to stay home with my children, and now that I am, I am pouring my effort into work again. I was presented with the options; continue down this path or finally quit everything and homeschool my children.
That afternoon, my husband found me crying on my desk when he got home from work. I asked him if he thought it was crazy to quit my business, shut it all down and to homeschool the boys. He responded, “No! I think it’s a great idea!” I was shocked at first. I surely thought he’d bring up my lack of patience, or my history with anxiety. But he went on to tell me all the reasons why I would be so wonderful at it, and that I should absolutely do it if that’s what I want to do. Immediately, I began ordering all the curriculum options.
The next day I emailed their teachers informing them we would be homeschooling. Liam’s kind teacher gave me a call, urging me to change my mind. But, our family had already chosen.
Homeschooling
I did not feel more equipped than their teachers to teach my child, by any means. But I did feel more equipped to provide a healthier, more nourishing learning environment for them. One that didn’t require an iPad, a chaotic log-in schedule, or virtual PE. I read The Call of the Wild and Free by Ainsley Arment, which introduced me to Charlotte Mason and her ideas. I related to wanting my children to be outdoors more, and to learn beautiful things. Nature study seemed exciting, and I immediately began setting up a “nature table”. Then, I learned of a thing called “morning time” and knew I wanted to do that, too. I had so many ideas.
We “de-schooled” before we began anything. This removed the idea that we would be doing “school at home”. We played a lot, went outside a lot and took regular trips to the park. Finally, we began introducing morning time, and reading books aloud. Then, we started using our math and language arts curriculum from The Good and the Beautiful. We also started using Wild Math, which was so fun for both of my boys. We did a little of this, and a little of that. We loved following Exploring Nature with Children’s nature study, and I *tried* to change out all of the cute things on our nature table weekly to coincide. But even when we studied pumpkins for three weeks in a row, my children were in love. I was in love. Scared that I was doing it all wrong, but in love. I drank the homeschooling Kool-Aid and would never turn back.
Today, life looks different than it did a couple of years ago.
In the morning, we wake up and ate a nutritious breakfast together at the table. Sometimes it’s farm-fresh eggs, and other days it’s homemade muffins. We open up our morning menus and begin morning time, where we discuss what we’re grateful for, pray together and read the Bible. We read poetry together and study a piece of art each week. We listen to our term’s composer and learn about what life was like in 1866 as we read Farmer Boy. We then read from Our Island Story, learning about what happened in 1066 when the Vikings came to take the English throne. We complete math together, and then it’s time to go outside. Later, we will find ourselves on the couch as I read poetry from Christina Rossetti and a few pages from Wind in the Willows.
Some days, we don’t spend much time home at all. We listen to our audiobook while on the way to nature group, where we will spend the day hiking and playing in the forest with our friends. Or, we may venture to the gym a 9 a.m. on Friday, where I work on my strength and the boys play Magnatiles with their friends (or exercise with me). Other days we are going to our homeschool co-op, or taking a trip to the local museum.
At the end of the “school day”, we will tidy up our home together, then they will be right back outside. I’ll make myself and my husband a cup of hot tea when he gets home from work, and we’ll talk about our day as I begin dinner.
At bedtime, we will all get washed up and then the routine begins. My husband may read a chapter from Peter Pan aloud, then we will pray together, I tell them a story that I make up, and then we say good night. They will each want to tell me good things about the day and the things that they worry about. I’ll listen and try not to rush off for my own evening time ritual. I have the time and the patience.
Once everyone’s tucked in, I’ll make a blend of loose-leaf herbal tea for myself and a bath. I’ll read a chapter from a book I’m reading with a book club. I might journal a bit, or watch a show while I fold a load of laundry. When it’s time for sleep, I’ll give thanks to God for the life I have and then meditate.
Sometimes, life feels challenging.
Through all of this, I have experienced losing family members, losing a baby in the womb, battling my own anxiety, financial worries, fear about the future, regret, shame for my past, and worry for the future. But I have also experienced deep peace, immense healing, forgiveness from myself and others, so much laughter, a front row view of my children learning and growing, a profound gentle parenting journey, deep and meaningful friendships and a far off dream that I once had, coming into fruition.
Your desire belongs to you for a reason.
If you crave the ability to stay home with your children, to homeschool, to start a business, to quit a business, or to diverge from the path you’re on right now, I urge you to find out how you can do just that. If you have a desire placed on your heart, that you can’t seem to shake, I encourage you to find away to pursue it. The options may not seem realistic at this time, and this path may require some sacrifices, but do not dismiss your dream because it feels unreasonable. Do not give up on yourself before you try. Chances are, you will leap into the unknown and the pathway to your dream will present itself to you. The only requirement is unyielding desire and massive faith.
If this resonates with you, and you do have a dream or desire weighing on your heart, the first step is acknowledging it – the second step is creating a goal and plan. If you’re needing clarity on your dreams, goals and plans, let’s talk. Click here to set up a time to talk.
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