For years, I tried to figure out how to stop yelling at my children. To be clear, yelling entails raising my voice in a loud way in effort to get their attention, or to listen to what I’m saying. I have went back and forth with yelling – wondering if it truly is as “bad” as it feels. After extensive time in child psychology courses, I can attest that yelling does more damage than what meets the eye.
Being intentional about it and knowing that it is not effective does not cause the triggers to cease. As I type these words, there are two rambunctious boys galloping through the hallways in our home. And to be clear – we have a small home.
Neither want to go to bed, both are excited for a trip we will be going on tomorrow and I am exhausted. My husband is exhausted.
Exhaustion + Overwhelm = Trigger
The rest of the evening can go one of two ways; the first way is the gentle way, where we are patient and refrain from yelling. The other entails high energy, loud voices, and an angry parental outburst or two.
As a parent, it’s natural to feel frustrated and overwhelmed at times. When we choose to yell at our children, it is an attempt for us to “feel better”, and to get them to submit to our authority. Not only is it not effective at getting your children to be obedient – it is also not an effective way to manage our emotions.
Yelling not only creates a negative atmosphere in the home, but it can also damage your relationship with your children. They begin to tune you out in an attempt to protect themselves (they are trying to disassociate because your anger makes them afraid). This fear creates distance in your relationship and before you know it, you’re finding yourself wondering how you and your child became so disconnected. If you want to stop yelling at your children, here are some tips to help.
How to Stop Yelling at Your Children
Identify Your Triggers
One of the first steps to take if you want to stop yelling at your children is to identify your triggers. What situations or behaviors tend to set you off? Is it when your children are not listening to you, or when they are arguing with each other? Both? Once you have identified your triggers, you can start to develop strategies to manage your emotions and respond differently.
Take a Time-Out
When a trigger happens, do everything you can to step away. Give yourself a time out. When you notice angry feelings arising inside, walk away immediately. You cannot parent best in a state of dis-regulation. Step away from the situation and take a few deep breaths. Practice mindfulness for a few minutes. This can help you calm down and regain perspective. You can also use this time to reflect on what is causing your emotions and think about how you can respond in a more constructive way.
It may be difficult to practice mindfulness in moments of chaos at first, but with practice, this can help you to stop yelling at your children.
Use Positive Discipline
Yelling at your children causes their amygdala to become activated, releasing a stress response we call “fight-or-flight” mode. “Fight-or-flight” is the same mechanism that protects us from a lion that is ready to attack. When this happens, all systems shut down so that you can run away from danger. This is why a child that is being yelled at often fights back or revolts (fight), runs away (flight), or drops their head/falls to the ground/hides (freeze). Nothing can be learned when fight-or-flight mode is activated. So if you are yelling at your children to gain obedience or to “make them listen”, your outcome is going to be opposite of what you want to achieve.
Yelling at your children causes their amygdala to become activated. When you yell at your child regularly, their amygdala becomes overactive and causes a chronic state of stress – which is responsible for numerous negative health outcomes.
@Raising_sawyers
Rather than yelling at your children when they misbehave, try using positive discipline techniques. Positive discipline focuses on teaching children appropriate behavior rather than punishing them for inappropriate behavior. This can include setting clear expectations and consequences, using natural consequences, and offering positive reinforcement for good behavior.
Give Positive Attention
Sometimes, children misbehave because they feel unseen, unheard or misunderstood. If your trigger is your child’s misbehavior, what is happening to trigger that behavior in your child? Notice that and see how you can redirect before that behavior occurs.
Sibling rivalry was a huge issue in our younger years. Lots of fighting, hitting, and arguing happened between our two boys. We were able to diminish this behavior through positive attention. Instead of one child receiving lots of attention for being in trouble, he received positive attention for positive behavior.
Positive attention is not one huge amount of praise you give your child for one thing, but a collection of small doses of attention you give throughout the day. To do this, practice active listening by giving your full attention to your children when they are speaking. This can help them feel valued and heard, which can reduce their need to act out. When they do something well, notice it and tell them you noticed it. Smile at them, make eye contact and remember – do not withhold love from your child, even when they make mistakes.
Seek Support
If you are struggling with yelling at your children, it may be helpful to seek support. This could include talking to a therapist or counselor, joining a parenting group, working with a coach, or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member. Our behaviors are a reflection of what is happening on the inside. Someone else’s behavior simply triggers what we have stored up within us. Working with a therapist, counselor or coach can help you identify what is happening within so that it can be healed.
Give Yourself Grace
This is the most difficult part for me. I know that yelling has an awful outcome, I know that I don’t want to do it and I know it’s not effective – yet I’m not perfect. On my worst days, I still yell. It’s more rare than common, but it happens. Naturally, I want to hide away and never look in the mirror again. But that’s not helpful for anyone. Now, I practice grace and model that for my children. When I do yell, I apologize to them after I am calm. I explain that it’s not okay to talk to people that way, and that it must have been scary for them. I tell them that my yelling came from being sad/frustrated/angry on the inside and I didn’t regulate those emotions very well – so they appeared on the outside. I tell them that next time I will do better.
There are no perfect parents on this Earth. Wherever you are in your journey, know that you are doing the best with what you know right now.
Not yelling at your children may seem impossible. I get it. But by identifying your triggers, taking mindful moments throughout the day, using positive discipline, practicing active listening, and seeking support, you can learn to respond to your children in a more constructive and respectful way. This can lead to a more positive atmosphere in your home and stronger relationships with your children.
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